


Trapped in an Escape Room

by anarchycox



Category: Kingsman (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Crack, Eggsy's birthday, M/M, Sass, Snark, escaping an escape room
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-03
Updated: 2019-06-03
Packaged: 2020-04-07 00:54:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,950
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19074196
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anarchycox/pseuds/anarchycox
Summary: Eggsy decides he wants to do an escape room for his birthday. Turns out spies who save the world are garbage at escape rooms.





	Trapped in an Escape Room

**Author's Note:**

  * For [thenerdyindividual](https://archiveofourown.org/users/thenerdyindividual/gifts).



“Right, I vote we blow a hole through the wall right...there, and then pay for the damages after,” Eggsy decided. This had been his idea, and he was ready to admit it was the worst damn idea he had ever had. And he had once run through Trafalgar Square naked. Not naked, there had been a tie and a Burger King crown. Still a better idea than this.

“You are not blowing anything up, you aren’t armed,” Michelle pointed out. “That was the agreement about this, absolutely zero whozitts and whatsits and things that go boom.” She was sitting in one of the three chairs in the room. “Ready to admit this was a bad idea?”

While he had been willing to admit it to himself, like hell he was admitting it out loud. “This was a brilliant idea,” he argued. “These are fun. We are having fun. Lots and lots of fun, just like the advert promised.”

Roxy raised her hand, “I stopped having fun an hour ago.”

Harry raised his hand, “I have not had any fun, and in fact did not want to do this, but you used sinister forces to get me to agree with this.”

“Me saying I’ll wear the knickers you like while blowing you is not dark forces, you bastard. Now figure this out!”

“I have, we are going to die. And I am sorry, but you are the logical one to eat first, the meatiest thighs. You know I like thigh meat.” Harry adjusted his trouser line as he sat in one of the other chairs. He looked at the wall. “The wallpaper is torn, that has to mean something.”

“No, I think it is a part of the aesthetic,” Percival declared.

Honestly he was the one who was freaking Eggsy out. He hadn’t stopped moving from the moment they had been locked in there. And it was a really precise pacing. Exact same amount of steps along each wall. It was uncomfortable to watch. Like at the zoo when you know the tiger is only staying contained because it wants to. You look at it, and wonder is today the day he decides to remind you he is a tiger.

Percival was all tiger right now.

“I think I know the solution!” Merlin shouted. They all looked at him. “No, never mind,” he sighed and went back to typing on his lap. He didn’t have a computer or tablet, but his fingers couldn’t stop. There was a pause when Harry picked up one of his hands and kissed the palms.

“My love, you will be the one to save us before we eat Eggsy, and you may fuck me as a reward.”

“I’m going to fuck you anyways,” Merlin replied.

“So is that how you three work, isn’t that interesting for a mother to know?” Michelle asked, and every one in the room winced.

“Ummm...not always...we also…” Eggsy was not going to blush. His mum knew he was involved with two gorgeous men who loved him. “We also read the bible while sitting a good ten centimeters apart before we kiss each other on the cheek before going to our separate beds.”

Michelle smirked. “Using separate beds were you, when I was mistakenly texted some dick pics? My big question is, who was it. Harry or Merlin? I have opinions, but they could be confirmed if any man wants to do so, while we’re waiting to die and eat my son.”

“Please don’t, dicks are gross,” Roxy complained. She looked around the room. “Oh, I’m the only one here who doesn’t ride D. That makes me sad. When we get out of here, I'm hitting on a girl somewhere.”

“Hey, I’m pansexual,” Eggsy complained. “And also I vote we eat not me first. Which we aren’t eating anyone. We have 10 more minutes before they take pity on us and let us out. Why can’t we do this?” He wasn’t whining. “I mean this is fun, and I am loving the challenge.” Everyone just stared at him and he did not stomp his feet as he walked over and flung himself into Merlin’s lap and curled in. 

“Why does he get the cuddles?” Harry complained.

“Because you were going to eat me,” Eggsy flipped Harry off. “Merlin loves me enough to not eat me.”

“He’s vegetarian, of course he wouldn’t eat you.”

“No, I’m not. I just don’t like meat the way you cook up. Rare my arse, if I wanted blood, I’d lick your wounds when you come home,” Merlin said. “If I am eating something dead, I want it to be dead.”

“He likes fish sticks,” Eggsy added. “I have seen him eat a whole pack.”

“I’m divorcing you,” Harry declared.

“We’re not married,” Merlin kissed Eggsy’s head. “I know the solution you know.”

“Then why the fuck are we still sitting in the room?” Eggsy shouted. 

“No, I know the solution to this unsolved maths equation from the 70s. Just figured it out,” Merlin was beaming.

“Have you been thinking about the escape room at all?” Eggsy’s voice was deadly low.

“Oh...no, I just assumed the four spies in here who have all been in trapped rooms before would have solved it, so I let my mind drift like I cannot at work. The quiet has been lovely.”

“We’ve been bickering for the last forty minutes,” Roxy pointed out. “And Oliver is about one minute away from snapping someone’s neck. He really doesn’t do well in situations like this. Claustrophobia.”

Percival stopped his circuit of the room. “I do not have claustrophobia. I just have a healthy appreciation for space.”

“Sure,” Roxy agreed. Roxy looked at Eggsy who had moved from Merlin’s lap to Harry’s, the not being helpful to the escape room beating out Harry’s theoretical cannibalism. “Also Merlin, we get out of those situations because of you.”

“No, because of my tech. And Eggsy wanted a lo-fi birthday. Not a one of us has tech. Even our phones were put in that little locker. I’m actually useless without my tech.” Merlin was thinking and looked around the room. “I have a multi tool in my trousers, I can just take the door off the hinges.”

“Now that’s a new name for a dick,” Michelle muttered and Roxy had to laugh.

“No, my one leg,” Merlin said earnestly and lifted the trouser leg and fiddled with the left prosthetic. A multi tool came out. “Now, hinges.”

“No, that is cheating,” Percival said. “We don’t cheat.”

“Besides as quick as you can be on a screw when fast is warranted, at this point I vote we let the last three minutes on the clock run out and admit defeat, and drink ourselves into a stupor,” Harry suggested.

Eggsy sighed. “I was so sure, spies in an escape room. Hilarious, we set the record for quickest time. They give you three hours. Said quickest was fifty minutes, 4 teams have maxed out the clock. Well five now.”

“Why was I even invited if this was about spies kicking arse on a thing you do when you literally cannot think of another activity?” Michelle asked.

“Because if you have a full party of six, takes 15% off.”

“So you didn’t invite me along for any form of intelligence, just the discount,” Michelle nodded. “Of course. You lot save the world. Got a woman who just finished hair school two weeks ago well beat. Only you lot are rubbish when stripped away from your work tools.” She shook her head. 

The clock had ninety seconds left. Michelle moved around the room, methodically, brutally. She adjusted a painting which opened a wall. Found a safe, and easily cracked the lock. Inside was a box of matches and she lit the candles, and then followed the string that could now be seen and another wall panel had a puzzle that she did and when it opened there was a key. She unlocked the door with three seconds left. “Happy bloody birthday,” she said to Eggsy. “Figured it out 40 minutes ago, but you lot never once asked me what I thought was going on in all your rambles and pacing and dramatics. You might take after your da, but I’m no slouch. And don’t you forget it.”

“I am buying you diamonds,” Harry declared. He dumped Eggsy off his lap, without a qualm, and went over and brought Michelle’s hand to his mouth. “Sapphires. Emeralds. You’ll swim in them.”

“No thanks,” she had to laugh at him.

Percival had already walked out of the room, and Eggsy figured it would be a few weeks before Percival spoke to him again. 

“Happy Birthday, Eggsy, it was an interesting experience. Next year though...paintball? Laser tag? Anything just involving alcohol and a bar?”

“Yeah, that sounds good,” Eggsy agreed and gave a wave as Roxy walked out. He turned to his mum, worried that she didn't think he thought her smart. “Mum. I know you are clever. I do,” he bit his lip. “You really figured it out that long ago?”

“Of course, and I would have, even if I didn’t do this room a month ago with the girls from my beauty class,” Michelle grinned at him. “Gotcha.”

“Fuck, you are brilliant, Mum,” Eggsy came over and hugged her. “Just brilliant.”

“I am,” she agreed. “My beautiful boy.” She cupped his cheeks. “So smart, you were out thinking yourself, got cocky. This is my gift to you. A reminder, you are only as good as you are good. Don’t rely too much on the tech that you forget to rely on yourself, yeah?”

“Yeah,” Eggsy agreed, and held her close.

“I also got you new runners I found. Gold, really cool.”

“Even better.”

She kissed his cheek, and waved to Harry and Merlin, before heading out. She turned, and looked them both up and down. “Was Merlin’s dick, I bet.” The way he flushed answered that question well enough. She was whistling as she left.

Eggsy looked at Harry and Merlin. “Okay your plans for my birthday were probably better than this.”

“It involved whisking away to a hotel, bathing in champagne, a private dinner with orchestra. It involved romance, and ambiance, and -”

“Harry, we were going to order Thai, give him his gifts, and then fuck until we forgot our names,” Merlin cut him off. “Bathing in champagne is really sticky.”

“I know that but we agreed we never speak of 1992 again. We did get you wonderful gifts though,” Harry told Eggsy.

“Best gift is having you two, yeah?” Eggsy said. “I do appreciate you two willing to do this for me. And I know you wouldn’t have really eaten me, Harry.”

“No, of course not, I would never,” Harry’s voice was quite virtuous. He held out a hand to Eggsy. “Would you like to see your birthday gifts?”

Merlin put the multi tool away, and stood to take Eggsy’s other hand. “Would ye like to fuck Harry, while I watch and tell you exactly what to do?”

Eggsy grinned at them. “How about both?”

“How about both,” Harry agreed.

Merlin looked around the room. “Oh, the solution to the whole thing is just there,” he pointed at the torn wallpaper. “Look it’s written into the pattern. Clever. If I had been paying attention, we could have been done in thirty minutes.”

“Merlin, you better run, because if I catch you, I will murder you with your multi tool,” Eggsy warned him and Merlin began to move quickly out of the room, Eggsy right behind him.

Harry thought for Eggsy’s next birthday a scavenger hunt could be interesting.


End file.
